Love and friendship are two of my favorite concepts of humankind. However, having autism can make it difficult to distinguish between the two. Over time it’s gotten easier, but sometimes it’s harder to distinguish genuine friendship from acquaintanceship. For example, I have gone through friendships that I thought were genuine and would last, and then I randomly get ghosted for no reason, which always makes me feel like I did something wrong. Those friendships also tend to feel one-dimensional, sometimes, like I know I’m putting all the effort into this, but why am I not frustrated about it? An article by Mike Hardcastle titled “Dealing with Unrequited Love” states, “Friendship is always a good place to start. Right now he only knows a “one dimensional” you; as your friendship progresses he will come to see your many sides.” (Hardcastle, 2002.) 

Friendship and love can be frustrating, yet they can be inviting and invigorating. Sometimes with friends, I find myself deeply in love with that friendship, and if the love reciprocates, it sticks. My best friends reciprocate the love I give to them, and that’s how I know they’ll stick around for the rest of my life. I’ve heard people tell me not to mix friendship with love, and that can be true sometimes, but I find that the best friendships share the most love. If you think about it, a long-lasting friendship survives on honesty, accountability, kindness, and love. Our textbook states, “Friendship appears to be the foundation for a strong love relationship. Shared interests and values, acceptance, trust, understanding, and enjoyment are at the root of friendship and a basis for love. Adding the dimensions of passion and emotional intimacy alters the nature of the friendship and creates new expectations and possibilities.” (Yarber & Sayad, n.d.) Fake friendships or ones that are one-sided and get you ghosted. Don’t share that love or have that love. Sometimes friendships even end up evolving into more. Before coming out as a lesbian and still identifying as a bisexual woman, I tended to have more friendships with guys. Some of them evolved into crushes that I’d now find were just an unhealthy attachment to these friendships and a desire to have something more. I find myself cringing at these moments in my life occasionally, especially when certain songs come on, because it gives me a reason to laugh at myself and also turn the story around so I don’t look like the insane girl on TV who falls for any boy who remotely gets close to her. After coming out as a lesbian and coming to terms with my identity, many of those feelings disappeared, and I realized that those crushes were just attachments I would make because of attachment issues. I am a very over-attached person sometimes. Please don’t be like me and realize years later how much you’re like the girls on TV that you never wanted to be because you thought they were way too crazy to exist. I am that way with my current partner now, but not as much as I used to be because I have started to establish my boundaries with myself. Lastly, friendship and love within ourselves are also significant. Sometimes we must befriend ourselves to get the answers we need about what we want. It doesn’t have to mean soul-searching for those answers; it just means you have to listen to yourself. Sometimes you can be your own worst enemy and your own best friend at the same time, and that’s okay! When you find that balance within yourself, you’ll make it easier to love yourself. Once you have that balance within yourself, creating valuable friendships becomes so much easier.

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References:

Yarber, W. L., & Sayad, B. W. (n.d.). Human Sexuality: Diversity in Contemporary Society, Eleventh Edition. Retrieved from https://platform.virdocs.com/r/s/0/doc/2018803/sp/253898742/mi/742069814?cfi=%2F4%2F2%2F30%2F4%2C%2F1%3A101%2C%2F1%3A101

Hardcastle, M. (2002). Dealing with Unrequited Love. In J. A. Hurley (Ed.), Teen Decisions. Dating. Greenhaven Press. (Reprinted from How Do I Make Him Love Me?, http://teenadvice.about.com/teens/teenadvice/library/weekly/qanda/blforcinglove.htm, n.d.) https://link.gale.com/apps/doc/EJ3010239209/OVIC?u=lincclin_ecc&sid=bookmark-OVIC&xid=bfb172d2